I haven't written in over month, crazzzy. I agree with Ricky, I don't have the heart to delete this thing. I've had my LJ for almost 5 years. I love going back and reading entries from a long time ago, it shows how much I've changed and I love that."We're traveled like gypsies
Anyways, I just got back to Hartford last night after a week of being gone for SPRING BREAK! Tiff and I went to Fort Myers to visit my Dad and Pa. Even though we didn't party or anything like that, I still had an amazing time. Being with my family and Biff at the same time... I couldn't ask for anything more. And it's no lie that our friendship was on the rocks there for awhile, but I'm so happy we got that time to spend together. Life is moving way too fast and although I don't see her every single day like I used to, she's still my best friend in the world and nothing will ever change that. I used to cry and go crazy when I didn't see her for a few months, but that's the way it's going to be for a long time now since we live in different states, and I'm okay with that. Because it's not how much time we spend together... she's still my number one. But that vacation is just what I needed. I took a lot of time to just relax, not think about school or work... it was great. I got extremely sunburnt on my legs the second day we were there and couldn't get out of bed for two days. But then Tiff and I went to Busch gardens and rode a million rollercoasters and had a lot of fun.
Before I went on break, I was heading down a path of destruction. It was a never ending circle of waiting tables and pulling 2-3 all nighters a week to do homework. I've been working so much (averaged 40 hours a week) to pay for my apartment so I can go to school, but I've been working so much I can't keep up with my classes and sometimes couldn't even go at all. So I got my midterm grades in the mail and when I saw my highest grade was a D, I almost had a heart attack. I told my boss I have to cut wayyy back because of my classes, so now I'm gonna be getting 3 days off a week instead of 1, or sometimes none. I really need to turn myself around by the end of the semester or I'm gonna have to drop out. But it's not like I've been drinking every night and that's why I've been slacking... I've been working sooo hard, but it just wasn't good enough. I didn't even have time to spend with my friends. Every free second I got I spent with Travis, and even then I was doing work when we were hanging out. For my own healths sake, I'm making serious changes.
I've realized over break how much my friends here really do mean to me. I'm absolutely head over heels infactuated with Travis, I can't get enough of him. And for once in my life, I've found a guy that feels the same way about me than I do about him... and is not afraid to tell me that. No guy on this planet can make me feel the way that Trav does. Even with my mental breakdowns, he's been there for me so much and he always knows how to cheer me up. The night before I left for Florida, St Pattys Day, we were having a party at Trav and Bradleys place and at like 1130 or so, me and him went up to his room and watched a movie together and had a serious heart to heart. I'm not afraid to tell him how I feel about him, we're so comfortable around each other. I could tell him anything. And he tells me everything and I love that. Before break Bonnie, Bradley and I were real distant and there was so much tension between us. I love both of them so much and I hate seeing them do the shit they do, same with Travis. But drug addictions and all, we're a family. I could never leave these people, as much as it would be good for me... we've stuck together through every thing. And I have confidence that the rest of the semester, things will change and everything will be back to the way it was. I absolutely love Travis, Bradley, Bonnie, Bethel and Dui. They are my family and I'll say it til the day I die. From the inside looking in to our circle of friends, people think we are crazy. But I'm crazy about these people and I don't care what ANYONE thinks about us. So we're a fucked up group of people, no one is perfect. But I take care of them, and in a way they take care of me. We are all perfect for each other it's ridiculous.
Spending a week away from Hartford has made my judgment cloudy and for some reason, I got back into my old mindstate and expectations for my future with the ex. How could I possibly expect a future with someone who is so different from me in every way? I can't stress enough how different I am than when I lived in Nashua. I feel so out of place there and so disconnected from a lot of people I went to high school with, besides Tiff obviously, she doesnt count. Sometimes I don't know what I'm thinking and I just blurt out whatevers on my mind that second that might get me into trouble later. Ohhh blah blah blah I need to stop my ranting and over-analyzing. I'm happy with my life at this moment and I'm happy with who I'm with.
I have so much more going on but that's as much as I can get out for now... so maybe another update in a month or so haha.
Someone leave me a damn comment, does anyone ever read these things anymore??
Only with worse luck and far less gold
We're the kids you used to love
But then we grew old
We're the lifers here till the bitter end
Condemned from the start
Ashamed of the way
The songs and the words own the beating of our hearts"